Reflections from Annie

2012 Blessings and Prophecies

2012-01-06T10:55:00.000-05:00

Dearest friends,

Some of you may be familiar with the myriad prophecies that have been forecast for this tumultuous year. Many cultures and their seers and prognosticators have forecast destruction and mayhem leading up to the 2012 winter solstice. Although many of these supposed prophecies have been debunked by modern science, there still remains the incontrovertible fact that these days are quite challenging.

My practice as an integrative psychotherapist, my work in Systemic and Family Constellations, and my own personal experience, constantly bring reminders of how much we are being tested in the most vulnerable areas of our lives. Some of us are experiencing serious health challenges, others have relationship difficulties, many are suffering financial setbacks and revisions. Both nationally and globally, politics are in upheaval. Seemingly unresolvable polarities abound. The worldwide financial markets are facing restructuring. In fact, restructuring seems to be occurring on the deepest levels of our beings and our society. Our physical and metaphorical tectonic plates are shifting.

It appears to me that the issues that are presenting themselves, both personally and collectively, are our deepest core issues. We are being called and challenged to review our most deeply held beliefs. The Buddhists tell us that "attachment" is the source of our suffering. Is this the time that we will be forced to relinquish some of these attachments? Attachments to the material things that we crave? Attachments to our fixed ideas of how others should be? Attachments to the belief in the superiority of our ways? What an exciting year we have ahead of us! I pray for our collective consciousness, that we may be receptive and welcoming to the transitions and movements that are necessitated in this coming year. Love and blessings to us all!

Two diamonds

2011-09-20T17:22:00.001-04:00

Last week I officiated at the wedding of two dear and special people. We had originally met shortly over a year ago as she came to me seeking understanding and guidance concerning her relationship with this man. Together, she and I worked, and, sometimes, they visited together as a couple, to work through their relationship challenges. Two somewhat rough, partially unpolished diamonds had met. Slowly and carefully, they utilized the friction between them to polish their two unique and perfect stones. Each polished facet revealed another glowing aspect of the others beauty.

Now, by virtue of the powers granted to me by the State of New York, they have been joined in marriage. Their polishing and refinement continues. Perhaps it has only just begun. The past is contained in the present and each moment is totally new. And yet the beauty of their efforts and creation exists for us all to celebrate.

We share one another’s narratives. Our story has meaning to others, and others' have meaning for us. We are not islands, but are so interconnected. Strands of life, love, hope and inspiration entangle us. Let all of our cumulative prayers create a
harmonious force for the future we are building together. And may we continue to help one another to polish our rough edges to reveal our inherent, exquisite beauty!

A Paradigm Shift

2011-04-21T14:53:00.000-04:00

Last weekend I facilitated my regular monthly Constellation workshop. I always begin these workshops with a short talk that sets an intention for our work on that day. I trust that these themes are being constellated in our shared field as each of us prepares for the work ahead. And so, I trust the synchronicities that reveal themselves when planning my talk.

Last Friday evening, before Saturday’s workshop, I attended a performance of the Paradigm Shift Ballet Company. Paradigm’s rehearsal space is the home of our workshop meetings and I feel that the energy of this company somehow informs and infuses the work that we do in our groups. In their moving performance on Friday evening, I did experience a shift, an energetic one of more aliveness and connection to body and connection to spirit.

Later that evening, when at home, I happened to hear an interview with Gabrielle Hamilton, chef and owner of Prune Restaurant. In this interview, she spoke of her life and the peace she had made with the shifting equilibriums required of her as a woman, mother, wife, chef and business owner. I made note of this observation and reflected upon the sense of equilibrium and its inherent duality. The word “equilibrium” seems to imply a static quality. And yet, is anything in life really static?

Hmmmmm, “paradigm shift”, “shifting equilibrium”, what is the deeper meaning here for me, for our group?

The next morning, I happened upon a line of dialogue from Tom Stoppard’s play, “The Real Thing”. "Happiness is equilibrium...shift your weight". Finally, the theme for our workshop revealed itself to me. Our purpose on Saturday was to be to use the Constellation process to view our issues from a different vantage point, to shift our attention, to move more nimbly through our own processes, to shift our weight.

In fact, this is exactly what happened in our group. Each constellation revolved around the seeker’s need and desire for more manifestation in life. And each solution demanded a movement, a shift, a change in perspective. Each of us in this group was presented with the opportunity to shift our weight in the dance of our life, to move with the flow of love into a place of greater peace, contentment and, dare I say it, happiness!

On The Applications for Systemic and Family Constellations

2011-03-03T20:25:00.000-05:00

A client and former workshop participant called me this morning to ask if a Constellation might help to resolve a situation he is challenged by in his workplace. This simple question stimulated me to reflect upon the diverse applications and approaches to this powerful modality of Systemic and Family Constellations.

In my early training, following in the footsteps of Bert Hellinger, I was taught that Family Constellations are sacred events that should be created only a few times in one's lifetime. The image that I held from that training was that too many constellations would muddy the energy field and that multiple constellations would lessen their individual impact. I certainly believe in the power of these events and their ability to modify our psychic imagery and can appreciate that too many constellations might be confusing and potentially disempowering. Nevertheless, my experience in this work has taught me that the rule about few constellations, as with many rules, can and should, at times, be broken.

Family Constellations frequently point us towards personal or familial trauma. While trauma in one's ancestral past may lead to unproductive entanglements in our present life, they rarely hold the charge of a trauma in ones immediate personal history. Consequently, the affects of ancestral trauma on our personal lives may often be fully resolved through one family constellation. Personal trauma, however, must be addressed with even more delicacy.

During facilitation of a Constellation I must hold multiple attention. My consciousness must be with the well-being of the entire group, the "holding circle" of the field. I also need to be mindful of the representatives and the constellation that is being played out within our circle. Is everybody safe? Can they hold their space? Are they reliable representatives or do they bring too much of their own interpretation to the constellation? Most importantly, however, I must be responsive to and mindful of the client who is presenting the issue. In incidents involving personal trauma my endeavor, as always, is to keep the client safe. That means, at the very least, avoiding retraumatization.

How can I avoid retraumatization? The best way is to maintain close attention to the client. Has her breathing changed? Are her eyes open or closed? In general, has her affect changed? These may all be clues that she is not able to stay centered and present with our work. And if this is the case, my first responsibility is to steady and stabilize her and perhaps terminate the constellation.

Does this mean that the constellation was a failure? Not in the least. This constellation has been an important first step in healing this issue. And our work can continue at another time, perhaps in another constellation that may go further or perhaps, in an individual session. The important thing is that, unlike the precipitating incident(s), the client is in control of what happens and the timing of what is revealed.

Of course, not every issue is traumatic in nature. Sometimes we just need insight on or guidance as to how to proceed with something that is troubling. A constellation may be most helpful in moving towards resolution in a personal or professional relationship. Constellations can be applied to decision-making in many aspects of our lives providing a tool to look at all sides of a situation. In these cases, a simple constellation involving the systemic elements involved may be all that is required. And these constellations can be created more frequently than a large familial arrangement. In this case, multiple constellations can be created with good effect for the client and without risk to the overall healing effect.

On Love, Death, Healing and Constellations

2011-02-06T13:56:00.001-05:00

My dear friend Lilli Cunningham succumbed to death on Friday, after a 2 year journey with cancer. Lilli and I first met in November, 2009, when she and her husband Bill attended a Systemic and Family Constellation workshop that I facilitated in Miami, Florida. The issue that Lilli presented at that time was her cancer, which had been diagnosed earlier in that year. Our constellation revealed a familial trauma which potentially could be linked to this energetic imbalance in Lilli's body. With great love and respect, we approached and worked with this issue in Lilli's system. Despite our efforts, hopes, and prayers, Lilli's cancer was not healed.

As the Beatles told us, our magical child's brain would like to believe that "all you need is love" and all will be healed. Lilli and her family demonstrated and attracted more love than I have ever witnessed or experienced . Bill kept a detailed and deeply candid blog sharing all the pain, suffering, joy and connection of these two years. No husband, sister, and children, could have been more supportive, involved, connected, and devoted. Thousands of friends and caring strangers prayed for a "miracle" cure for Lilli's cancer. Whenever I remotely tuned into her energy, all I could see and feel was white light, with Lilli's resonant soul at the center. Nevertheless, on Friday afternoon her body exhaled it's last breath. Does love not heal? Is death the bottom line of life? Was our Constellation of no value?

I choose to believe in a deeper conception of healing, one which incorporates and transcends the physical and biological plane. The healing that I trust in and am inspired by is the healing which occurs in the loving energy shared by sentient beings. I know that a powerful field was constellated in the process of Lilli's and her family's journey. I pray and trust that Lilli is at peace, out of pain, and in a place of limitless expanse and potential. I know that I and many others have been forever touched, moved, inspired, and transformed by our connection with Lilli. Through this experience, I have known the boundless web of love that delicately connects us all. I have learned that the most powerful healing is that of the heart. Rest in peace dear Lilli and thank you and Bill for sharing your love, truth, and courage with us.

An Inspirational Poem from Annie

2010-12-17T09:29:00.000-05:00

The lotus flower does not ask to be plucked

It springs forth in its

ripened time to emerge from the mud depths

and presents its heart.

"There is nothing to fix but there are many things to honor"

2010-09-29T20:15:00.000-04:00

"There is nothing to fix but there are many things to honor." My colleague Francesca Mason Boring wrote these words describing her approach to the Family Constellation work. I have been reflecting upon this statement and to me it synthesizes the message that Bert Hellinger gave us in the following words:

"The simplest and deepest ways of acting are in the family, from the father to the mother in relation to the children, and from the children in relation to their parents. These are the greatest and deepest actions, and are the basis for all others.

A person who is in harmony with his fatherhood, or her motherhood, or partnership, childhood, brotherhood, or sisterhood is one who brings his or herself to completion.

In these simple acts an individual can be fulfilled. In such acts, there is a sense of being in quiet harmony with something great."

Many of us come to the Family Constellation workshops in search of a solution to a problem, something that doesn't work and needs to be fixed. Ofte, we see that the problem is not in the system, but in our view of the system. We don't agree, are not at peace, think we know better, or feel we were shortchanged by life. What is our feeling when we hold these thoughts? We become restless, agitated, trying to change someone or something that has occurred. Is this possible?

In my own life, I have slowly come to appreciate, to value, the adversities and challenges that I have experienced. the anger and rebellion against my parents has abated and is replaced by gratitude for that which has helped to clarify and strengthen my essence and expression in this lifetime. My attitude towards my unique set of challenges and seeming obstructions has provided the canvas on which I paint the picture of my life. If you don't like the image your painting depicts, it's in your hands to change the painting or the perspective from which you view it.

As the oyster creates an often flawed and yet perfect pearl from the irritant that has entered its shell, the irritants in my family and history have created this PEARL.

When I can agree to my life, as it was, exactly as it was, to my parents, exactly as they were, I am filled with peace, serenity and love. It all makes sense and I can move ahead in my life with gratitude. When life hands you lemons, why not make lemonade!

On Memory and Redemption

2010-03-31T16:24:00.000-04:00

The following quote is ascribed to The Ba’al Shem Tov, (1698-1770), mystical Rabbi and the founder of Chasidic Jewry. “The desire to forget prolongs exile; the secret of redemption is memory”.

Redemption: the action of saving or being saved from sin, error, or evil.

I ponder this statement as I remember my grandfather. He and my grandmother unwittingly provided the impetus for my pursuit of the Family Constellation Approach . Whenever I asked my grandfather about his memories of growing up as a Jew in Russia, he refused to answer. All he would say is that he left there to forget.

And yet, I, so many years later, am trying to remember, to fill in the missing pieces of the puzzle of his past and thus, mine, so that I may find my wholeness. To me, “redemption” is this wholeness. And so, despite my grandfather’s intent, it is important, necessary, for me to remember. Not the details of the history, but the energy contained in the conflagration of events that make up this empirical historical picture. Not so that I will know the “truth”, but that I may incorporate into my body, mind and spirit, that which propels me forward. To “remember”, in the most literal sense, that of rejoining a “member”, a limb, an aspect, which has been severed. Therefore, making whole that which has been fragmented.

For me, the healing power of Constellation Work is in remembering, with a view that observes and agrees. Not with the harsh critical vision of one who judges, argues, or rages. But of one who observes the aspects of what is available to know with “soft eyes”. One who says, I take what has happened, however it happened, with gratitude. From this I learned, from this I grew. And, with the flow of love and life that moves through me, emanating from this history, I will make something good.

“It is not the remembered past, it’s the forgotten past that enslaves us” – C.S. Lewis, 1898-1963. Novelist, science fiction writer, and Christian apologist

Harlan: In The Shadow Of The Jew Suss

2010-03-10T18:32:00.000-05:00

I have just seen a most extraordinary film! It is "Harlan: In The Shadow Of The Jew Suss".

Veit Harlan was, arguably, the definitive filmmaker of the Nazi era. His anti-semetic film, "Jew Suss", as mandated by Joseph Goebbels, became a must-see for all loyal Germans and fueled the Nazi propaganda machine.

As described by Film Forum in NYC, where the film is currently playing "With never-before-seen archival footage, unearthed film excerpts, rare home movies and new interviews, Harlan - In the Shadow of 'Jew Süss' is indeed a searing portrait of the controversial filmmaker and an eye-opening examination of World War II film history. But it also shows how Veit Harlan's family-especially the youngest generation-struggles even today with the dark myth of his artistic immorality. It's the story of a German family from the Third Reich to the present, one that is marked by reckoning, denial and liberation." As such, for me, it is a clear and definitive statement of the principles of the Family Constellation work, as created by Bert Hellinger.

If you would like to understand transgenerational dynamics and how patterns of guilt, perpetration, victimhood and compensation are played out in the family field, this is a movie for you to see. I look forward to hearing your response!

On Suffering, Pierre Garcon, and Family Constellations

2010-01-25T19:54:00.000-05:00

The Buddhists believe that if any sentient soul suffers, we all suffer. In our common belief, however, our illusion is that we are unique discrete individuals. We believe that we each have our own destiny, our own karma, and that we reap what we sow. However we conceive of it, it is often difficult for us to imagine that anything that happens several miles from us, much less hundreds or thousands of miles, can affect us at all. In fact, however, I believe we are all connected through a dynamic energy field which is all-pervasive. Some may call this field G_d, “the universe”, or they may have some other name for this organizing principle, but within our own souls, we feel this sense of oneness to be true.

I a reminded of this as I sort through my feelings about the aftermath of Haiti’s earthquake(s). My clients, too, are struggling with their responses to this human horror. Some will put it out of their minds, ignoring this catastrophe as they might ignore the proverbial elephant in the room. Others may donate money as a way to express themselves. A few may boldly strike out, seeking ways to physically participate in the local relief efforts. The underlying commonality in all of these responses is a sense of connection, perhaps even guilt, some might liken it to a “survivor’s guilt”. Like the Buddhist thought, any suffering is our own suffering. Bert Hellinger has suggested that we have a kind of magical thinking about the suffering of others. This thinking suggests that, if we too suffer, then we may lighten the loads of those who are really on the frontlines of tragedy. Is this assumption really true?

The Family Constellation Work has demonstrated that, as a way of connecting to, expressing love to, and assuring our right to belong with our families, we often emulate the suffering of those ancestors who came before. Most often, this emulation of hardships or burdens is assumed unconsciously. This is a child’s unconscious response and needs to be examined. Repeatedly, constellations have shown us that the ancestors do not want us to suffer their difficult fates unnecessarily. We need to ask ourselves, how does creating an illness similar to theirs serve them? How does suffering a similar financial hardship help what came before? How does uprooting yourself as they were forced to do serve them? Does it bring you closer to them? Could it make what happened to them in the past any easier? What do you think your forebears desire for you? How does your unnecessary suffering serve life itself? These are important questions that must be investigated by each of us.

I was deeply moved last evening as I watched the football game between the Indianapolis Colts and the New York Jets. Pierre Garcon, the Wide Receiver for the Colts played what was arguably the best game of his career. He shared that he was inspired to push himself for his friends and family in Haiti. His suffering and holding back would not serve them or life. He was playing his best to honor his heritage. This to me is courage and an appropriate and heroic response to life’s suffering.

So, wake up! Don’t let the pain of others’ hardships weigh you down. Don’t limit yourself in what you can accomplish and enjoy in your life. Do honor to those who came before and make the most of your life! Be heroic and inspire those who may be having a challenging, difficult or painful time. Honor their fates, and honor yours! Allow them and yourself the dignity of life as it comes, and make the most of it. Serve them, serve yourself, serve life!

A quote from Peter Matthiessen

2010-01-05T16:17:00.000-05:00

The secret of the mountains is that the mountains simply exist, as I do myself: the mountains exist simply, which I do not. The mountains have no "meaning," they are meaning; the mountains are. The sun is round. I ring with life, and the mountains ring, and when I can hear it, there is a ringing that we share. I understand all this, not in my mind but in my heart, knowing how meaningless it is to try to capture what cannot be expressed, knowing that mere words will remain when I read it all again, another day.

Bert Hellinger speaks on Forgiveness

2009-12-14T18:39:00.001-05:00

Forgiveness

Forgiveness, which connects, is hidden and quiet. It is not spoken, but

practiced. It is essentially nothing but forbearance. It overlooks a

mistake, an injustice, a guilt, and forgets it. In this way, the mistake or

injustice or guilt has no bad effects on the relationship. On the contrary.

The relationship deepens through the tacit leniency. Mutual trust grows,

especially on the side of the one who experiences the forbearance. It allows

him to overlook mistakes and injustices and guilt when it is his turn to do

so.

It's different when someone says to another “ I forgive you”; he is in that

moment pronouncing the other guilty. He raises himself above the other and

degrades the other. This spoken forgiveness suspends the human relationship

of equal to equal. It endangers the relationship instead of rescuing it.

But how is it when the other begs forgiveness? When this plea comes out of

pain, at having distressed or hurt us, the mistake or injustice or guilt is

more easily forgotten. All the more, when in our own way we we were also

guilty towards the other. That permits us perhaps a new start, where what

happened earlier need not keep returning to us. That is a very humane manner

of forgiveness, where both are on the same level, and remain equally low.

There are situations, however, where forbearance is forbidden, because the

guilt is so great that it can only be acknowledged by the guilty and

suffered by the one who was injured. The extreme case of such guilt is

murder, because it cannot be undone. Here the guilty one must stand by his

guilt and its consequences, without expecting forgiveness. And the affected

one may not presume to forgive, as if he could do that or were allowed to do

that.

What happens in the soul of the guilty one, when he expects and requests

forgiveness for such a guilt? He loses sight of the victim, whom he has

injured in an irreparable way. He can no longer grieve over him. Instead he

seeks to escape the consequences of his guilt, trying to impose his guilt

and his responsibility for it on the other. Maybe he even gets angry with

the other, as if the other owed him forgiveness. With that he forfeits his

dignity and stature to the one who forgives him. Above all, the one who

forgives takes the strength of the guilty one, the strength that flowed to

him through the acknowledgment of his crime and its consequences. The one

who uses this strength to do and achieve something special for others, wins

back his dignity and in a certain way wins back his place among other

people. And what happens in the souls of those who grant forgiveness to such

a guilty one? They also lose sight of the victim and can no longer grieve

over them or feel compassion for them. Above all, though, they elevate

themselves over the guilty ones, making them pathetic and small. They even

make the guilty one angry through their forgiveness, because the guilty one

and his deed are not taken seriously. Then their forgiveness nourishes and

strengthens the evil, instead of ending it.

But above all, the one who forgives presumes to do something that only a

higher power can do, a higher power before whom both the perpetrator and the

victim are helpless and whom they serve, each in their own way. Who forgives

here, refuses to honour the might of this higher power. He places himself

next to it or even above it.

When both perpetrator and victim acknowledge that they cannot escape the

consequences of the deed, because both have reached insurmountable limits,

they must acknowledge their powerlessness and bow to their fate. That binds

them on a deep, human level and smooths the way to reconciliation in the

face of this fate

And how should others behave humanely towards the perpetrators and victims?

The humble answer to that is compassion. That is a movement and an attitude

of the heart from person to person, but also from person to animal, to every

creature. We feel it in the face of inescapable suffering and inescapable

guilt, seeking to alleviate it though acts of compassion and knowing

nonetheless that the suffering and guilt are irrevocable.

And how can we become compassionate? By becoming aware, in the face of our

own hardship, our own guilt, our own inescapable situation, how often we

ourselves depend upon the compassion and forbearance of others. Thus the

compassionate and the guilty share powerlessness with those who suffer. Out

of this powerlessness they do not judge and neither do they forgive. They

remain humble and low. Compassion is silent.

With this I have also said something about love which reconciles. This is a

special love, above and beyond that love that wants something. Here love

means: acknowledgment that I am equal with all others before something

greater. Humility means the same. Forgiveness and forgetting also.

The original article written by Bert Hellinger appeared in German in* Praxis der Systemaufstellungen* 1/2002 page 22-23.

Translated by Carlye Birkenkrahe.

Holiday Tip #1- Getting Along With Your Family

2009-12-11T16:12:00.001-05:00

One of my favorite elements of my professional practice are the Systemic, Structural and Family Constellation Workshops which I facilitate. In these amazing groups, people come together as strangers and in a few short hours, create intimacy, trust, and profound support for one another. Participants leave with a renewed sense of connection, respect, and inclusion. How is it that we can create this safety in our temporary community and find it so difficult to do within our own families?

For me, (and for Bert Hellinger who inspired this work), it starts with the right to belong. If we allow each family member their own space and due respect for their place in the family, however they have behaved, then we are on the right path. If these words have already struck a note of resistance in you, this may be a source of your difficulty with your family. In your inner imagery, imagine the family member with whom you have difficulty in front of you. In your imagination, tell them how you feel about them. How do you feel when you express your negativity? How is it for you when you express acceptance and gratitude? How do you want to feel? It's up to you!